Sports is a serious disease with no cure

Sports, or its scientific disease name, putthethinginthegoalitis, often has to do with one being more athlete than their opponent. It is the number one most common disease in the world, and generates the 2nd most revenue behind My Little Pony.

However, unlike your traditional disease, sports is different because it is completely harmless to you, and only harmful to your time.

Fortunately for you, reader, seemingly unaffected by the disease as of yet, the disease is not directly contagious. Studies have shown that if you touch a sports item such as a football or a diver’s cap, you are only 10 per cent more likely to have sports than others.

Some earthlings, such as yours truly, were unfortunately born into the world of sports fandom. Growing up as a sports-positive man, my choices were limited. I couldn’t like painting my nails, I couldn’t like sitting inside and playing video games all day. You could say I was, born this way. 

But seriously, not even Lady Gaga can understand the sports disease. Some believe there will never be a cure.

However, science has also been studying the long-term effects of being a fan of a bad team as a gateway to being cured of sports.

A team from UCLA studied Edmonton Oiler fans who were born into liking the franchise after 1990. The results were astounding. Though unpredictable, some of the infected became cured of their sickness, refusing to be sick anymore. More and more were cured after each year of being terrible. Others’ diseases, however, proved to be more resilient.

With the Edmonton Oilers almost winning the league in 2006, that was a major setback because not only did it increase previously infected citizens’ sports disease, it also infected more people by association.

A lot of science has been pressed on this issue, though it has been tough for scientists to map out because of its unpredictability. Why do some have immunity? Why do most don’t? Is it hereditary? What can we, as a society, do to stop this madness?

I’m not sure what the answer is, but did you see the Raptors game last night?



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